I Was Lost.

I was lost.

I am not talking about being lost many years ago. I’m talking about recently. When I finally got to really looking at me, I realized I was not in the location I thought I was in. I’m not sure I would have made the cut had the trumpet sounded, as I truly believe that I was lost. 

We could debate the status of my salvation then and the status of my salvation now, all day long, carefully comparing the two, but to what end? The Bible says that I am to work out my own salvation with fear and trembling, and the truth is that I was too far away from God for my comfort and peace of mind. 

You may argue that my salvation is secure because I was dedicated to the Lord as an infant, filled with the Holy Ghost when I was 8 years old, and baptized by immersion in Jesus’ Name around that same time. 

I was raised in church my entire life, and from childhood on, I was taught to police my dress and my outward appearance as a way of setting myself apart so I could be holy. As an adult, I received the revelation of grace and began to understand that a pleasing outward appearance is not what God wants from me. I felt such freedom in setting aside those idols in my life. 

However, as I look back over the last 10 years or so, I see now that removing man’s laws from me was a good-sized step in the right direction, but for me the cure was worse than the disease. I thought that finding the revelation of grace had a positive effect on my holiness, or at the very least, it had no effect at all. I see now that it affected my holiness in a very negative way, but not in the way you would think. 

I did not go wild and, my life didn’t become a dumpster fire, as I had been told would happen if I didn’t uphold “the standard.” However, unbeknownst to me, the Great Sin (as C.S. Lewis liked to call it) was slowly taking over every area of my life.

What did Lewis consider “The Great Sin”?

Pride.

After I received my revelation of grace, I sat in judgment of other people in ways I had never judged before. The more people became convinced that “my position” was right, the higher I sat in my pride. I was convinced that I was so smart because my eyes had been opened, as if I had done it myself. I see now that my pride was quite the embarrassment, because little did I know, I was actually running around plumb naked.

I was like the man at the wedding feast in Matthew 22:1-14, who was surprised when the king asked him, “how did you get in here without your wedding garments on?” I had them at one time, but where had my robe of righteousness gone?! I could not possibly have on my robe of righteousness and wield the sword of judgment that I was using to cut down others at the same time. But again, that’s my position on my salvation, and another thought for another time. 

Instead, I would rather focus on the heart of the issue, which is that my heart did not belong to God. I may have been calling His name, but I wasn’t willing to give Him my heart. I see now that I thought I was clean, but I was not.

I could be wrong, but I believe that even though God is jealous for me, there have been times when He couldn’t come as close to me as He desired, lest He break out against me. Right or wrong, what I know with great confidence, is that I was unclean due to the judgment I was heaping on others. I allowed my pride to tell me that I knew what was best.

Maybe I was like the Israelites in Exodus 19-20. God wanted to speak to them directly, but the best He could allow was for them to listen to Him speaking to Moses. I see now that God wants us to commune with Him, but I had forgotten that He is the God of the universe. It sounds silly, I know, but it is the most logical explanation for why I placed myself above God on the throne of my heart.

I see now that the closer I get to God the smaller I feel, and for me the inverse proved to be just as true. The further away I got from God, the bigger I felt. 

However, I now know that His word is there to remind me that "the king is not saved by his great army; [and] a warrior is not delivered by his great strength.” Instead of being safe and secure standing on my own strength and abilities, as I thought I was, I was really nothing more than a war horse, “a false hope for salvation, and by its great might it cannot rescue." Psalm 33:16-17 ESV

I’m thankful that God allowed me to hear the message loud and clear: I cannot rescue myself, so I desperately need a Savior to come save me. I see now that the God of the universe wants nothing more than to save me, but He doesn't want to just save me. He wants to walk with me or more accurately, He wants me to walk with Him. He wants me to walk in His ways, not mine or anyone else’s for that matter.

I see now that the entire Bible is a story about God’s efforts, since the fall of man to reconcile His relationship with man. Every scripture that has been breathed into life is with the hope that I will respond to this call.

“Now therefore, if you will indeed obey my voice and keep my covenant, you shall be my treasured possession among all peoples, for all the earth is mine;” Exodus 19:5 ESV

I am a treasured possession of God, and He desires nothing more than to have a relationship with me. 

I could be wrong, but I believe that one of the reasons why God desires to have an intimate relationship with man is because man represents a characteristic of God on this earth. I believe that when a man or woman is obedient to the will of God, their obedience results in God’s intellect being manifested on this earth through the hands and feet of His friends. But that’s another thought for another day. Going back to my original thought -

I see now that I must be set apart, but not with my outward appearance. He wants my heart. I see now that when I stopped policing my dress that didn’t mean I could stop policing my heart.  The end result is that I found myself quite often looking at someone else’s life, determining that they weren’t “doing it right.”

I was basically determining that some people did not deserve the love of God, because I didn’t agree with what that person was doing. That is a clear sign that Pride was definitely at the helm of my ship, because I see now that I was actually trampling the blood of Jesus Christ when I sat in judgment of others.

I see now that my Pride was wanting me to compete with my fellow man, but only subtly. It’s really no one else’s business that I felt weak, scared and very alone, right? 

All the while, I’m fighting back tears as I work hard to hide my struggles behind the fake smile pasted across my lips.  

My pride wanted me to hide my struggles so others wouldn’t think less of me. Yet God's word stands in direct contradiction to my desire to hide my condition from anyone, especially myself. 

I am thankful for the letter that Paul wrote to the church of Laodicea, that is recorded in Revelation 3:14-22, because it was written for me too. It is yet another invitation for me to take the opportunity, while the door is still open, to come counsel with Him, because my God is jealous for me. 

I see clearly now that Satan wants nothing more than for me to stand in shame when I stand before my God, and to require others to stand in shame too, in the shadow of my judgment. Satan wants nothing more than for me to build a huge wall between me and God, a stronghold that I will reside in, instead of abiding in the presence of God, my strong tower and the place where I renew my strength.

I’m afraid my stronghold (and others' too) have been built with bricks formed by my opinions and lofty arguments. But I now see that many of my words did not align with the word of God. I am thankful that I now know the truth. I was not called to live in shame, despite what the accuser may whisper in my ear. I was made for more, and I will go boldly before the throne so I can counsel with God about what He needs me to be, where He needs me to go, and what He needs me to do.

I will call God my friend as I draw closer to Him daily, trying to learn everything I can about God’s character. I find it fascinating that the God of the universe would be jealous for me, but now know that He is jealous for you too. That is why I can show you nothing but Christ-like love and remain a friend of God.

I see now that a body divided against itself will fall or devour itself. God’s word says so. If you disagree with that statement, then I would encourage you to take a look at His word on that issue for yourself and take some time to counsel with God about it.

I see now why His Word promises a table will be made in the presence of my enemies, because I have sat at the King’s table and acted like an enemy to those sitting around me. As embarrassing as that should be to admit, I am not embarrassed at all because my sins have been forgiven, and this is my testimony.

By telling my story out loud, it is direct evidence to my flesh that my spirit is going to do everything I can to not do it again. I can’t unsee the things that I have done, but I can assure you I never want to see myself doing them again. I see now how it grieves God’s heart when I hurt a friend of His, and I don’t want to do that ever again.

That’s what I’m so thankful to no longer be naked. I’m thankful to see what everyone else saw while I sat in my blindness, ignorant to my own sin, because I was too full of my own glory to be thirsty for God's.

One of my biggest issues was that I was too busy removing the splinter from my neighbor’s eye to recognize the board in mine. However, the closer I get to God, the more I realize I have many boards that I need to take out, but I am determined not to build any of those same walls back up again.

Let me tell you, it is exhilarating and extremely fascinating to walk with God daily, and by exhilarating, I mean the kind of feeling you get riding a roller coaster when your heart nearly stops and your stomach gets a bit queasy from time to time. Over the last two years, God has taken me to see things I have never seen before, to heights I have never been before. But then the next thing I know, I’m in the valley of the shadow of death. So please understand that this walk is not easy. You should know that over the past two years, there have been times that all I could do was stay at His feet, holding fast to Him, but I am here to tell you, it was worth it all.

It was worth it all, because I can clearly see now that for years I feared the judgment of God, but it is now the exact thing that allows me to stand before my God with no fear. I see now that when I call on God to move a mountain, He will hear my cry, but it’s also my job to set myself apart. What’s more is that the more I set myself apart, the more of Himself He can show me.

To set myself apart I must come and counsel with Him. I see now that as I have counseled with Him over the last two years, He has tenderly shown me where I need to give and where I need to stand still. He has instructed me on when to build walls because I needed better boundaries, and where I needed to tear some down.

All of that work began with me becoming desperate enough to invite Him in, not just to hang around until I needed Him. I see now that the temptation is to invite Him in, but as soon as He starts putting things in places I don’t like or getting in closets I’d rather He not, to kick Him out again. Worst yet, I just walk away, because it feels too hard to be in a fight with my flesh every single day. I see now that my God really does work all things out for my good. If I’ll just stay around awhile and let Him work on me, then I’ll see why that couch looks better facing out instead of in. I see now that some of my uncomfortableness simply comes from His ways being different than my ways, but I’m learning.

In fact, I’ve decided that “He’s still working on me” shouldn’t be a song that only children sing. Instead, it has become my mantra as I am learning to become a living sacrifice. What I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that I will overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony! My testimony is that I was naked, but I now stand before you clothed in the righteousness of God as he fulfills His purpose through me.

For His Kingdom, For His Glory

 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. [2] Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:1-2 (ESV)

Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have given me relief when I was in distress. Be gracious to me and hear my prayer! [3] But know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself; the LORD hears when I call to him. Psalm 4:1,3 (ESV)